Are you kidding me? Absolutely not.

Note: This post is more rambly than normal. I'll have to clean it up later after I'm more rested.

So, all of my Skype-active friends have already heard this gripe, but here it is again. So, today I was helping out our Program Admin (as I often do -- always good to be friends with the Admin) who will be referred to as Blanche. Anyway, so I got two rather gripe-worthy entries:

Plug and Play?

Apollo Electric (the first name will probably only make sense to me, the last name will make sense as you continue reading) wants more RAM for his laptop to run some of his applications. This is a perfectly valid request. I offer to help him find some RAM. I find him a 2GB DIMM and tell him that he can probably install it himself (mistake 1) and to return the old DIMM to me (his Lenovo T60 only has two slots). He does so and tells me that he's at 3GB now, and if he may, he'd like another 2GB to swap out with the existing 1GB to bring him to a total of 4GB. I give him the second one.

He installs this one, comes back, and then says he isn't seeing 4GB RAM (doesn't say what he is seeing though; in retrospect, I should have asked); and is pretty convinced that the DIMM is busted (or something else similar is wrong). I give him the benefit of the doubt (mistake 2), and say that I want to run an experiment and swap one of the older DIMMs he just handed me to see if something's damaged; maybe either the slot itself or the DIMM. So, without actually checking to see what the computer is registering (read: mistake 2), I say we should swap the DIMM he just installed (that of questionable function) with the previously installed 512MB DIMM.

To make a long story short and without going into detail (that would make my head explode with rage), he is impatient (perhaps for good reason, such as getting back to his work) and makes bizarre assumptions that are not helpful and would suggest solutions that basically amount to: give me a new laptop/buy me new hardware. Oh, and here's the kicker: while we're doing all this, he asks me if we can swap out the RAM DIMMs while the COMPUTER IS STILL TURNED ON.

Wait, I lied. This next part is rather minor, but as I'm already on a roll, it is worth mentioning. As Apollo is leaving, he asks me how to access the BIOS. I say that it's probably the blue ThinkVantage button built into the keyboard. He says it doesn't work, and that he thinks it's probably F2 or F8, which normally wouldn't be a bad assumption or guess... except for the fact that that's what the computer loading screen instructs. I then ask him why he thinks it's F2 or F8; he says that's what he's used to... on other computer platforms. Nevermind that different manufacturers often use different keys to get into BIOS... but no, he says he's sure.

All of these points taken individually (with the exception of the hot-swapping RAM) wouldn't be cause for such griping on my behalf, but all at once? That's a lot to take. Continuing on...

Yeah, that's a Blocker if I ever saw one

So, this other guy (I'll call him Arty Bloch) comes in and asks for a mouse -- he doesn't have one and it's "blocking" his work. This seems fairly reasonable; he's new and maybe he was issued a desktop that didn't come with a mouse (happens all the time in exchanges around here). So, I ask him if he has a laptop, to which he responds that he does (-> WTF?).

I ask him if his touchpad or mouse-nubbin (actually called a pointing stick or, when on an IBM/Lenovo, a TrackPoint) is broken. Arty says no, but he can't use those and it's really slowing him down. I tell him that I'll look and then inform him when I've found one because I have to finish some other tasks first. He agrees and saunters off to his mouse-less land.

Mr. Bloch comes back in half an hour and repeats his (somewhat) weak and pathetic story about how he can't use his touchpad. I drop what I'm doing, look around, don't find any extra mice, and then tell him as much and that'll I'll let Blanche know to order more. He says this is really blocking his work. Somewhat exasperated, I unplug the mouse that I'm using and give it to him. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? CAN'T USE THE TOUCHPAD?!?

Okay. I should take a step back. Maybe he does graphic design work, or somehow plays FPS as a function of his job here. Let me give you a hint: he doesn't (to both). As a side note, I knew a guy who could AWP pretty well in CS with a mouse-nubbin. It was on an IBM ThinkPad, not entirely dissimilar from what we use in our office. He was, of course, the exception.

More importantly, look at what's become of me: this is what I complain about. I should be complaining about why I didn't punch her in the stomach or something.


Figure 1. Are you sure? Because, otherwise, that's a great idea... for an idea.

P.S. Yeah, I made another figure without referencing it. It should be pretty obvious why I put it in there. Oh yeah, and suck yourself.

More Pseudoscientific Units!

So, no one else suggested anything, but I think we're going to go with the following:

Douchery will be measured in Pratts (Pr), for Spencer Pratt; here's an example of his douchery. Note: The abbreviation will not be "P," as that is the symbol for poise (on a side note, measuring viscosity is a kind of annoying exercise). I, unfortunately, don't know how to zero this scale or have any useful comparisons; I suppose I could make Spencer Pratt = 1 Pr, but there are a couple of issues here:

1. That would make most everything else in fractional Pratts, but I guess that's okay. I mean, most of the time, things are measured in fractional Tesla, right?
2. It's a moving target; the trend for Spencer Pratt's douchery is to increase. That is to say that his douchery is non-static. I suppose we could freeze him and store him at some institute of standards... I mean, I'm all for freezing him.
3. This really isn't an issue, but I have a suggestion on how to make Pratts even more representative of douche-y: it should be a non-Metric unit. So, 7 Pratts = 1 Cruise (Cr) (this is merely an example. I don't know how to compare Spencer Pratt to Tom Cruise).

Frustration will be measured in Friscos (Fi). I should go back and expand on how much I dislike that person to really build a more complete profile of frustration. Also, in keeping with the idea of being frustrated, I again propose that Friscos be non-Metric. Another unit of frustration should be Claw Shrimp (CS)... how about 13 Fi = 1 CS?

Please, make more suggestions as you see fit.

Oh, this so encapsulates everything.

I've taken this image, without permission, from PostSecret.

Things that annoy me, part... one?

People who say "Frisco" instead of San Francisco. These are the same kinds of people who probably also have soul patches.

Hey. Hey! Yeah, you.

To the truck driving on 19th Avenue in San Francisco with the license plate number 4TLK273 -- thanks for throwing your cigg butt out the window. Fucking asshole.

I'm sorry our collective water pipe broke.

Originally, I wanted to write an angry rant about how childish some of our neighbors are. And by some, I really mean one family.

Anyway, how about some background? On 1 Mar 2009 (around noon), there was a landslide near my house. As it turns out, the waterpipe under that earth had burst which was probably the cause for all that dirt-pushing. Aside from the immediate consequences of being evacuated from our house and our next door neighbor's family losing their backyard, the top 75% of our neighborhood was without running water until 13 Mar 2009. Obviously, for those days in-between, tensions were running high because of the following issues and concerns:

1. What caused the pipe to burst? Was it the landslide? Or did the pipe burst and cause the landslide? Basically, was it pipe burst->landslide or landslide->pipe burst->more landslide?
2. Based on (1), who was then responsible? Our family for not maintaining the land properly? Or the pipe, leading to:
3. Who's in charge of the pipe's maintenance?
4. Obviously, no running water within that time meant that cooking, cleaning, and showering were all difficult propositions.

For some of our neighbors, particularly those who are new and/or don't know us, it was easy to lose track the situation in the "fog of war." And when your quality of life is directly impacted, it's easy to blame us (the Chens) as somehow having caused the whole situation. I mean, most people I know feel better about a shitty situation if they have someone to blame. Now, take that anger and then imagine that the Chens are trying to get the entire neighborhood to collectively pay for the repairs? Yeah, you'd probably be pissed.

So I, as this impacted family, would probably want some words with the Chens. I would also probably want the contractors doing the clean-up and repairs to work longer hours and more days (around the clock would be nice) -- I mean, come on, I'm suffering right? Who cares about anyone else. My suffering is also more pronounced than any of the other neighbors, so I have a right to bitch and whine.

I would also probably demand that the Chens organize a meeting between the neighbors and the contractors to dictate the terms of the repair work. So that's what I say to Mrs. Chen. She says, okay, I'll organize the contractors and you organize the neighbors. So that's what I do, except the only people I bring along are (concidentally) the other families who are of the same race as me. Yeah, that's subtle. I'm guessing I also am from an earlier or more primitively simple time when all arguments arose and were dealt with along racial lines.

Anyway, back to the present and as myself, Andrew Chen. Today, the neighbors came over for a sit-down to discuss the situation. That same neighbor started making subtle and not-so-subtle threats. I would consider them idle and silly (but nonetheless irritating) threats. My friends have proposed four response strategies:

1. Ozan: maybe you should "accidentally" let them catch you cleaning your gun.

This is basically invoking the over-protective father idea. So, in the future, say I have a daughter. Say there's a boy who asks her out and comes by the house to pick her up. I'm probably spying on my daughter's communications, so I know in advance that this is happening. I then decide to clean my shotguns near the front door as the boy walks in. "Oh," I'd say, "I wasn't expecting visitors. But since you're here, why don't you look down this shotgun barrel and tell me if it's clean or not?" Oh, and watch as I reload my shotgun really fast... in case I use up all of the rounds in my magazine and I just really need four more rounds to shoot at someone.

In reality, I don't think I'd do that out of some need to be protective; I assume if my daughter was of my blood, she's probably more than capable of taking care of herself. I would still do it though... only because I enjoy awkward situations AND I could say that I was "making memories!"

2. Ethan: you should seriously march into that meeting and play the angry son rebuking your neighbor and the ubsurdity of his/her claim

This seems more reminiscent of Six Feet Under's Nate Fisher. I think you'd have to see the show to get what I mean. To be fair, I haven't watched the show recently nor in its entirety, so I could be completely wrong.

3. Albert: if you convince them your family is crazy they won't fuck with you

This is perhaps my most favorite suggestion, if only because it invokes in me Tyler Durden's confrontation with Lou of Lou's Tavern. The hilarity ensues around 1:29 but doesn't really make my point until 2:12. Albert also suggested that this be followed by running in to the meeting room naked after having taken a shower.

4. Pat: invite over some black people to your house somewhat frequently for the next few weeks. the neighbors will leave you alone.

I assume that Pat made this suggestion because he has accurately surmised that my neighborhood has no black people in it. I also assume that the one family we seem to be having problems with are essentially of the bully mindset, and have no real idea of what they're doing. They're also close-minded.

Vote on what you think I should do!

Oh, THOSE status reports?

Yes, those fucking status reports! These are the same status reports that I collect every Thursday and have been doing so for the last four or so months. These are also the same status reports that I have been specifically reminding you, Johnny Bistro (Johnny B. for short), about for the last four weeks. You know, the same status reports that EVERYONE calls you out on in person in our weekly meetings.

Yes. I'm glad you'll finally start updating your status reports on Thursdays, starting this week (hopefully).

In other news, there obviously isn't a guy named Johnny Bistro working here. That would be awesome, though, on the order of working with folks named Cornelius and Sally Mae.

Another pet peeve - proof-read your shit!

I often get requests at work for things which I don't mind, because in some ways, I'm really just an intern. I do mind, however, when these requests are either unclear or in some way internally contradictory... because that means I have to spend some effort interpreting or mind-reading the requestor. For example:

____

Sent: Tue 3/24/2009 4:12 PM
Subject: Sally Mae* onsite tomorrow... needs badging
Body: Hi Andrew,

Can you please provide Sally Mae with detailed directions on the badging process. She will be arriving Thursday later in the afternoon, onsite Friday, and through the weekend and into next week.

Cornelius*

____


*Names changed. Sally Mae sounds like a co-ed you can take advantage of and Cornelius simply sounds fucking awesome.

This may sound minor and people (like Cornelius, the sender) may be really busy, but how busy are you that you can't spend five seconds to proof-read something and then fix it?

Gasp! A post!

So, as those around me know, I keep saying that I'll start blogging about my experiences at work and all the of the unfortunate situations I find myself in while in the office... so, I guess I'll start by easing into it.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people decide that they need to touch a computer display to point something out. I guess I understand that there's a certain tactile sensation to it that perhaps metaphysically (or not) connects the pointer to the pointed item... but otherwise, I feel that it's completely unnecessary. Whether it can damage a relatively soft LCD is questionable, but it WILL leave a greasy fingerprint -- SO DON'T DO IT.

Moving along... so here at work, there is a snack section. It just so happens to be near my desk. For a group of our size (at least 50 people, probably more), the snacks disappear quite quickly. There are only two snacks that don't: beef flavored ramen and Reese's peanut butter cups. Thankfully, I like both of these, so it works out for me.

This makes sense: beef probably isn't so common in India (a lot of our group members are straight from India). The peanut thing is a little stranger, given my American-centric view of the world. Peanuts, and peanut butter in particular, appear to be preferred by Americans only. I remember whilst in Germany I was asked about what we, as Americans, put on our toast in the morning. I said that besides jam and butter, we use peanut butter. Some of my lab colleagues didn't even know what that was, so I had to explain the idea of a peanut spread. To the others, I received only a quizzical look as if to ask "But... why would you do that?" So, from that experience, I have drawn a tentative conclusion that Germans don’t enjoy peanut butter. As it turns out, those colleagues were heading to the US for an ACS conference, and for fear of putting peanut butter on their toast, they all packed Nutella (which is delicious, so why not?). Another data point: I did learn later from one of my professors that one of his lab colleagues fresh from Germany had discovered peanut butter and became instantly hooked. The guy gained a noticeable amount of weight as a result.

Apparently, peanuts aren't as common in Thai cuisine as an American might think from eating Thai food... so says a Thai acquaintance of mine. He is, however, kind of sociopathic (in a literal and not figurative sense) and kind of a close-minded moron, so I don't know how inclined I am to believe him.

So, based on my limited observations, I guess I can add India to the list of places that don't enjoy peanuts with quite the same gusto as America. Yes, there is no real point to this blog post, but I’m bored, so why not?

That whole Chinese Toy thing...

If you've been watching the news recently, you should know that in addition to the coming apocalypse (seen through the weird and horrible weather) that China sucks big fat monkey balls when it comes to product safety. There's the food, local construction, and toys. TOYS. Lead paint and small magnets. That sucks.

I've got a solution. How about instead of buying your kids toys that are going to break (they were made in China, after all), get them something like... I don't know, LEGOS. It's pretty hard to break LEGOS, and they come in the big sizes so kiddies can't swallow them. A book's a nice idea too, but I know that'll never fly. Or, how about a computer or some-such. It's good training, and computer games are so damn cool. Plus, if the kid's swallowing computer stuff, well, maybe you should think about getting some new fucking kids.

Just a quick little thing.

Brother printers suck. They're just terrible. My family has owned one and it never gave consistent or reliable service. There's one at CAPAS and it's quite terrible (though, the computers and software systems are suspect). There's one here, and it's also quite terrible.

That's three for three. You suck, Brother.

Oh, the Metric System.

For those of my less worldy American readers (of which most are the latter, and hopefully not the former), everywhere else in the world uses the metric system. We, however, still hold to our old and somewhat arbitrary and strange Imperial/English system of units and measures. As such, our body weights are in pounds (which is an actual unit of weight, as opposed to mass) and our heights are in inches and feet (or just inches). This is opposed to body mass in kilograms and height in centimeters.

The list goes on: volumes (for beverages or gas tanks), temperatures, distances...

All of this, you should already know and if I haven't yet bored you, please read on for the more interesting information.

Everyone in lab assumes that I work universally with the English system, including in lab and so (at first) made an effort to explain everything to me in such units. This includes volumes of solvents and liquids reagents (though they like to use the word 'educt'), masses of such items, and temperatures. All of this as though we don't use the metric system in lab in the States, which all of you Americans should know is insane. I don't think I've seen a paper written within the last century that used non-metric units.

All the same, it's very nice of my colleagues to make the effort and it's much appreciated, if somewhat humorous.

As a quick aside, a liter of gasoline here costs about the same as a gallon at home and there are approximately 3.8 liters per US gallon. Think about it.